Caius's Diary
by Warriorcat890
Summary: Aro insists that the Volturi visit Forks so he can check in on his friend Carlisle, but Caius isn't having it! When Aro forces the coven to move into a dilapidated building so he can stalk his old flame, poor Caius is forced to resort to writing in his diary! Rated T for Caius's excessive, vulgar, and possibly offensive swearing... You've been warned.
1. Entry 1

I do not own Twilight! If I did, it would be about Carlisle living in the Volturi and finding Esme and Caius possibly being naked... I never said that. Moving on.

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**October 31, 2012 - Halloween**

I remember the day vividly—it was Halloween, 2012, and I had rounded up a small group of Volturi to go around and scare the locals. Felix and Demetri were all for it, and Jane and Alec were more than excited for it. I knew Jane would be; the little sadist was growing more and more like me every day. Even my lovely Athena agreed to come along. I invited Marcus, but as always, the sod just wanted to stay home and stare at the ground and remain lost in his memories.

I had no intention of inviting Aro to come along on our spree of terror out on the streets, but once my psychotic, very deranged brother found out about my excursion, he had to tag along. On the way out to the city itself, I tried to remain optimistic, determined not to let his presence ruin the night when I could actually scare the living daylights out of humans. Halloween wasn't my favorite holiday because kids got to gorge themselves on candy! I loved wandering the dark streets, hiding in the shadows, and waiting until little children came along dressed as monsters and scare the crap out of them. However, I did enjoy snickering at their pathetic costumes. Have you seen the vampire outfits these days? The children look like a picture out of the cartoon, the men look foolish and all the women look like sluts.

Oh yeah, back to Aro; things went along great until I scared a four-year-old and his mother yelled at me when he started crying. It's not my fault that the kid had an anxiety attack! I mean sure I would probably haunt his nightmares for the next ten years, but honestly! If children are scared of monsters, then why in the hell would they go out on Halloween night? It's a holiday simply for scaring people! HELLO?

Anyway, after I made the kid cry, Aro scolded me and said that I shouldn't be so scary. I was absolutely outraged! I'm a fucking vampire for crying out loud! He's a vampire too and he has the nerve to tell me to not be scary? I'll show that bastard scary! I've fought werewolves, damn it! But anyway, Athena and I distanced ourselves as far away from that lunatic as possible and enjoyed the rest of the night of terror. We ran into Felix and Demetri and stumbled upon a funny scene. Felix was chasing the poor tracker around the square in front of the clock tower wearing a wolf mask. When we went up to them and explained to Demetri that it was just Felix in a mask, he laughed. The two of them then ran off into an alley, laughing hysterically. Athena and I even began laughing (a rare feat for me) until you know who came along.

Yep, you guessed it—he'd found us again. Now, I… well I wouldn't say I love my brother… I care about him… and when I say "care" I use the word very loosely. By this I mean that if we were in a life and death situation and he was about to get dismembered by a werewolf, I would help him. Yet, he still annoys the hell out of me and everyone else in the castle, including poor Marcus who just wants to curl up into a corner and die. I enjoy watching people suffer, but Marcus… There is nothing funny about Marcus's pain, and he has to put up with Aro and his enthusiasm.

Aro just comes up to Athena and me and says that I should visit Carlisle! Carlisle used to live with us, and we never got off on a good note… I was a sadist and he was a humanitarian… Yeah, we don't mix. He likes peace. I like violence. Yep, we are the ultimate yin and yang. Not to mention anything about that pathetic diet of his! Him and that "vegetarian" family of his! They make me sick! And now Aro wants me to go visit them? Hell no!

Of course, I voiced my opinions to him. Loudly. Still, he didn't get my point. In fact, he suggested that we could all benefit from a visit with the Cullens! He then rounded up the rest of the vampires pillaging the streets and told them that we were all going to Forks to "reconnect" with our "good" sides. What does he expect? Does he think that the moment we get there that Carlisle will sit us down in his living room and give us a lesson on how killing is wrong, and humans are people too! Honestly!

I know why he really wants to go to Forks though. There are a few reasons actually—one, he wants to try to recruit Edward, Alice, Bella and Edward and Bella's hybrid daughter for the guard. Two, he's fascinated by that freak of nature they call a "child". And three, he misses Carlisle Everyone in the castle knows that the moment that blond-haired, golden-eyed vampire set foot in our castle, Aro suddenly realized he was bisexual. He's always wanted Carlisle, and I don't mean in the same way he wants Alice, Edward and Bella. Carlisle, of course, was a normal, heterosexual like the rest of us and kindly refused/ignored all of his advances. Before Aro could force the poor man to have some form of sex with him, he left for America. Lucky him. I wish I could pick up and leave.

Despite all of my protests (and even a few quiet ones from the others), Aro was not going to be wavered on his decision. He said that the moment we got back to the castle, we would pick up Marcus and Heidi and leave immediately. When I asked him what the hell Volterra was going to do without its kings, Aro said that the guard would watch over until we returned. He proceeded to tell us that he had planned ahead of time and had already purchased and old, abandoned house in the middle of the woods in Forks by the Cullen house. Oh, how convenient. I swear, he has a very unhealthy obsession with that family.

Marcus was indifferent on the matter, as he is with many of Aro's schemes, but Heidi nearly threw a fit. She so graciously pointed out the fact that we would have no source of sustenance in the middle of the forest unless we wanted to go vegetarian like the Cullens. There was also the damn shape-shifter issue that would kill us if we even tried to hunt the humans of Forks. Aro, of course, had thought ahead and had had the house stocked with donated blood beforehand. Oh joy. He had had planned this out, hadn't he?

Well, we're leaving for the plane in the next few minutes. Athena is calling for me. She doesn't want to face Aro alone, and I don't blame her. I'll definitely be recording this trip. Trust me. This is going to be crazy, and probably quite hilarious and possibly quite painful for the sane members of this coven. Oh well. Wish me luck. I'll need it.

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The first entry in Caius's diary. :D Hope you like it. This will be like Caius writing down his thoughts in a diary so don't expect too much dialogue. Sorry. But please review and tell me what you think!


	2. Entry 2

I do not own Twilight, the lucky bastard Stephenie Meyer does. I just love torturing her characters and giving Caius a hilarious, and sadistic/touching/relatable personality.

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**November 1, 2012**

Well, we arrived in Forks today. The plane ride was hell, as you could probably imagine. Halfway to the airport with the tickets that Aro had so conveniently bought ahead of time, he suddenly remembered he forgot his wife, and we had to turn back to get Sulpicia. The poor, clueless girl didn't even know that her husband was going to Forks just to stalk a handsome vegetarian vampire. I felt somewhat bad for her. Wait? Did I just write that? NO! CROSS OUT! CROSS OUT! CAIUS DOES NOT FEEL! I DO NOT FEEL!

*Cough* Moment over. Anyway, the plane ride was hell. Imagine sitting in a tight, confined space for ten hours with Aro! A half hour into the flight, he and Sulpicia started singing show tunes! SHOW TUNES! God, Athena and I were about ready to jump off the plane until Marcus spoke up and said he was getting a migraine. Then, of course, Jane pointed out that vampires couldn't get migraines. I could have killed her because they started up again.

After an hour of listening to Aro's voice, I was about ready to strangle him, but thankfully for his sake, he stopped. I have never been more grateful for Aro's habit of getting bored easily. However, after about five minutes of much needed silence, Jane started humming a tune, and Aro asked her what she was singing. I laughed out loud as Jane confessed that it was a song from Spongebob Squarepants. I didn't even know that she watched that crappy children's television show. Of course, Aro asked her to teach it to him… We spent an entire three minutes listening to Jane, Alec, Aro and Sulpicia singing "The Best Day Ever" from Spongebob. After that, Jane continued to teach Aro popular songs that the kids were listening to these days. I'm not even to get into any more detail, because I blocked most of it out.

When Aro and Jane started singing a song called "Teenage Dream", Felix and Heidi stood up and went to the back toward the restrooms. It was pretty obvious what the couple would be doing in there (and we would all be able to hear their sexual exploits I might add) but Aro stopped them. For once I was glad for his interference because I really did not want to hear them… not even mentioning the fact that Felix is a screamer. Enough said. I also enjoyed laughing my ass off as Aro made poor Felix sing a verse of the song "Call Me Maybe".

I thought I might actually enjoy this ride if Aro made every lower member of the guard sing a song, but when he got to me, my attitude changed. He told me that he had the perfect song for me to sing. It was called "Ice Ice Baby". When I politely declined the offer, he called me a coward, so, naturally being the very brave werewolf-fighting vampire king I am, I did it… Jane had to print me out the lyrics form her portable computer, but I didn't realize it was a rap until it was too late. Demetri and Felix enjoyed themselves thoroughly while I made a fool of myself trying to rap to this 90s song. I hate Aro.

When we finally landed in a woods near Forks, Aro took us to our new home for the next few months. It's old, dilapidated and looks like it was built when Aro, Marcus and I were boys, or at least when Carlisle was a boy. Speaking to him and that family of his, Aro insisted that we go visit our new neighbors immediately. Jane, Alec and Sulpicia were thrilled about the aspect of having friends… Well Sulpicia was. Jane and Alec were going along with it because they were Aro's pets. The others and I wanted to stay at the house and avoid that little greeting with the Cullens as long as possible, but Aro was not having it.

He led us to the Cullen house and the entire family was gathered outside, standing in a long line. Carlisle and his wife, Esme, stood in the center and slightly ahead of everyone else. Edward and Bella were to Carlisle's right and that little creature they call a child was behind them, staring at us with wide eyes. Emmy, or Em something was standing with his mate on Carlisle's left and Alice and the Major stood next to them. In the back, a large, russet-colored shape-shifter stood, his teeth bared. I had forgotten that the Cullens had guard dogs.

Aro immediately approached Carlisle with Sulpicia and the witch twins following closely behind. I remained where I stood, with my arm wrapped around Athena thinking about who stupid this whole charade was. Aro immediately pulled his old friend into a hug and held him for a few seconds, refusing to let him go, even when Carlisle tried to pull away. Aro had it bad for Carlisle. The mind-reader must have read my thoughts, for he burst out laughing. Everyone looked at him strangely, but he just shook his head, and looked at his family, clearly trying to pull himself together. He told them that he would tell them later, and most likely out Aro's hearing.

Carlisle proceeded to question Aro about our presence and he said that it was me that suggested we come here. I protested against his words. Loudly. I pointed out that Aro had been wanting to see his old friend Carlisle for years; this earned another laugh from Edmund, or Edward, or whatever the fuck his name is! Aro gave me a death glare when no one seemed to be looking and turned back to Carlisle and continued to tell him about how much he wanted to catch up and become acquainted with his lovely wife.

Esme seemed to be up to speed on Aro's crush on her husband. I could tell that she didn't like Aro one bit, and I know that he hates her for stealing his man. Ha! I'm laughing just thinking of Aro and Esme in a cat fight screaming and throwing insults at each other and smacking each other's hands with their own like sissies. Oh man, I would love to see that. My money would definitely be on Esme. Carlisle is rightfully hers.

Athena is reading this over my shoulder and laughing her head off. After we got home, we retreated to our personal room… These walls aren't sound-proof like the ones in Volterra were, but that didn't stop Felix and Heidi from going at it like rabbits, so Athena and I are going to join the love fest.

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Well... That's entry two. XD Please R & R!


	3. Entry 3

I do not own Twilight

I mean no offense to Fred or Fred fans. I actually find him funny, but I tried to imagine Caius watching him and couldn't think of anything good that he would say. XD

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November 2, 2012

Aro bought a computer today and installed it in the house. Jane and Alec have been watching stupid Youtube videos all day long. They even got Aro and Sulpicia in there right now watching some inarticulate idiot known as Fred. Aro insisted that I watched one episode of that annoying, high-pitched, puberty-deprived brat, and I was about ready to behead myself halfway through it. Thankfully, however, Felix came in and said that Esme called and invited us over to talk with the family and have a couple glasses of blood Carlisle stole from the hospital (at this, Aro sighed dreamily). So, we decided to accept her gracious invitation.

I might have gotten out of watching Youtube videos, but I forgot that now I had to sit with those foolish veggie-vampires, that hybrid, and their damn guard dogs. However, I would much rather prefer watching Aro drool over Carlisle than listen to Fred Figglehorn. Damn, that kid must have had his junk yanked at a young age or something. Anyway, we went over to the Cullens to find the entire family sitting in their living room. Everyone acted happy to see us… Oh well, at least they tried.

Aro made sure that he sat on one side of Carlisle while Esme sat on the other, holding her husband's hand. Poor Sulpicia sat next to Aro without any clue of what was going on. Just by the way the family was acting, I was almost positive that the mind-reader had told them all about Aro's crush on Dr. Cullen. Carlisle shifted away from Aro slightly and squeezed his wife's hand. Aro started the conversation by asking Carlisle about simple things that went on daily. Carlisle would always answer him politely while the rest of us just sat there like bumps on a log.

The psychic stood up and suggested that she show all the ladies her extensive closet to see if they saw anything they liked. Heidi and Jane immediately jumped up and flocked to her side like moths to a flame while Athena and Sulpicia were less enthusiastic. Sulpicia finally got up and joined them, but my Athena clung to my side. I didn't blame her. The idea of walking into a mile-long closet made me shudder. I was about to tell Athena that she was more than welcome to stay with me if she didn't feel comfortable, but Aro cut me off and told her to go. I wonder how many times I've stated in this diary that I've wanted to strangle my brother… Oh well. A lot probably. It's a common reaction to his idiocy. Didn't he see that she was uncomfortable with these freaks of nature?

Athena left me alone with the guys while all the girls (Cullen girls included) went upstairs to Alice's closet. Aro proceeded to ask Edward if he would be interested in joining us for the billionth time. Before Edward could even answer, I just told Aro to stop asking him already and that he's probably annoying the shit out of him just like he had been to me for the last few centuries. Everyone chuckled but Aro and me. They had no idea how serious I was about the latter and Aro hated being humiliated. Needless to say, it didn't exactly stoke his ego.

It wasn't long before Felix and Muscle Man Cullen got bored and had an arm wrestling match on a nearby table. The Major, Demetri and Alec watched, constantly placing bets on which one was going to win. I was tempted to join them, but someone had to keep an eye on Aro and poor Carlisle. Marcus and Edward just sat there with us. Edward was examining all of our minds while Marcus was lost in his own memories. I could hear the girls' chatter upstairs as Alice showed them her prized dresses. I couldn't hear my Athena at all… My poor wife was probably in pain.

Of course, that was one of the reasons I fell in love with Athena. She was a sadist—like me of course—but neither of us likes to see the other in pain. We would much rather stand together as a united front and inflict such pain on others. She wasn't very girly either; she would much rather plot world domination than go shopping. The only thing that we did not share was that Athena had a nice streak. While I tried to be as cruel as possible, Athena had a tendency to be merciful and even cheerful with others. Still, when she had these "happy spells" I didn't love her any less, especially not when she had them around me since they usually spurred us into some very heated love-making. Nevertheless, Athena was my other half and I will love her for the rest of eternity… I should probably cross that out just in case Aro finds this one day… Oh well. Everyone knows that Athena is the only exception to my hatred.

I never found out who won the arm wrestling match even though I was listening very closely to it. Edward jumped up suddenly, glaring at Aro. He asked him to please control his thoughts. If vampires could vomit, I almost would have. I did not want to know what the hell Aro was thinking of. Just as this happened, the girls came back down. Esme just stared at the whole scene with furious obsidian eyes. Aro, like the idiot he was, was holding Carlisle's hand like it belonged to him.

Everyone saw it by no one commented. Poor Edward, who could hear every one of Aro's thoughts and fantasies, was rubbing his temples like he was in pain. Esme looked like she was going to rip Aro's head from his body, burn it, and then dance on the ashes like there was no tomorrow. Hell, I might join her if she ever does it.

After that, Esme and Carlisle (as politely and gently as they could) kicked us out of the house. Muscle Man said something that sounded like "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here" and we all got the message… except Aro and Sulpicia. Sulpicia told Alice that she loved her closet and was hoping to go shopping with her one day and Aro shook Carlisle's hand a little too enthusiastically and told him that he would see him soon.

I hate Forks.

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Thanks so much for reading! Please review! :D


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